At this time of year, people often wonder how they can make their sex life better.

First, let me echo some advice that Dan Savage gave on his podcast about a year ago:

Have sex before you make yourself drowsy with a heavy meal and booze; those things have a narcotic effect, so if you do the big dinner and then fall asleep without getting it on, that’s not a sign that your relationship is in trouble, it’s a sign that you loaded yourself up with narcotics before you had sex! Have the sex first!

That’s a paraphrase, of course. Those of you who are familiar with Dan Savage will know that his language was a little bit more colourful than that. Nevertheless, it’s good advice.

The other bit of advice that I’d like to share is this: when you’re having sex, be fully present. Be mindful when you’re making love.

What, exactly, is mindful sex? And what can you do to make sure that you are mindful between the sheets?

Read on, my friend; read on.

What is Mindful Sex?

Mindful sex is exactly what is sounds like. It’s about being present in the moment when you’re having sex.

Often, it is slower sex, but it doesn’t have to be. As long as you are fully present, a throw-down, clothes-ripping fuck can be just as mindful as a long, sensual lovemaking session.[1]

It is about being aware of both your own body and your partner’s. It is about being able to react to the situation and to give one another what you need.

It’s about emotional awareness, too.

If you’re being too aggressive (or not aggressive enough), you need to be able to recognize how your partner is feeling and back off (or come on stronger) as needed. Of course, you don’t have to be a mind reader, and you and your partner should certainly communicate with one another using actual words if necessary, but being able to read your partner’s body language will go a long way to make sex better for both of you.

How Can I Be a More Mindful Sexual Partner?

There are two aspects of mindful sex. The first is to be more mindful of your own body and your own emotions during sex. I’ll talk about some of the benefits of being aware of your own body later on.

The other aspect of mindful sex is to be aware of your partner and of how he or she is reacting to the experience.

By being more aware of your partner, you can make sex better for both of you. How does one become a more mindful sexual partner?

There are a few things you can do, such as:

• Listen to your partner’s breathing: is it speeding up? Is it slowing down?
• Feel your partner’s heartbeat (naturally, if the position allows for it; don’t reach for her wrist and try to take her pulse);
• Watch his face: is he smiling? Is he cringing? Is he making his “oh face?”
• Listen for verbal cues: is she asking you go to harder? Faster? Slower? (Verbal cues will generally be the most obvious and easiest to pick up on.)

By paying attention to the things I’ve mentioned above, you’ll be able to glean clues as to how your partner is feeling at that moment and respond accordingly.

While you certainly won’t be able to read your partner’s mind, you’ll be able to more easily predict and respond to his or her sexual needs and wants at any given time. Ultimately, this will lead to a better overall sexual experience for both of you.

Benefits of Mindful Sex

There are plenty of benefits to mindful sex, including:

• a stronger connection to your partner;
• a better sense of your own body;
• a better sense of your partner’s body and of his or her sexual wants and needs; and
• just plain better sex.

There is some evidence that mindful sex will make it easier for women to achieve orgasm. For men, it may help to prevent premature ejaculation.

This may sound counterintuitive: how can it help women achieve orgasm more easily while, at the same time, helping men to last longer?

The trick is that, when you’re mindful during sex, you are more aware of what is going on with your body. You are paying attention to every feeling and every sensation. In both sexes, this awareness will help to heighten arousal. Naturally, this increases the odds of orgasm.

So, that covers the women. But, it still doesn’t explain how mindful sex can help men with premature ejaculation, rather than making the problem even worse.

It’s simple. By being more aware of what is happening with your body, you’ll be more aware of when you are close to your peak. This will allow you to slow down (or stop) and speed up as necessary to maintain your sexual stamina longer. I’m not the first to suggest this. There is evidence that it works.

Not only does it work, but it’s a lot better than the “distraction method,” wherein a guy tries to last longer by mentally removing himself from the situation (perhaps by thinking unsexy thoughts).

By being mindful during sex, you get the benefits of delaying your orgasm until both you and your partner are satisfied, without having to intentionally deny yourself some level of sexual pleasure in order to do so.

—

[1]Pardon my language, but I can’t think of a more appropriate word to use here. There is a definite difference between fucking and making love, as far as I am concerned. Fucking is aggressive, passionate, and mostly just about the physical sensations of sex. Making love adds the emotional element. You can fuck someone you love, but you can’t make love to someone whom you don’t.

Up until today, I’ve found that Meatless Mondays have been the easiest of my disciplines to maintain, perhaps because Monday only comes once a week. Today, however, I violated it.

I was at the grocery store near my office picking up something for lunch, and saw that they [...]]]> I have violated my Meatless Monday discipline!

Up until today, I’ve found that Meatless Mondays have been the easiest of my disciplines to maintain, perhaps because Monday only comes once a week. Today, however, I violated it.

I was at the grocery store near my office picking up something for lunch, and saw that they were giving free samples of a new product. They had three flavours of pizza-style flat breads, and I asked for the jerk chicken flavour, rather than the tomato and basil. I wasn’t even thinking about it being a Monday, I was just thinking about what flavour I would most like to purchase.

Oops.

So, I ate meat today. Although, maybe not. It didn’t really taste like jerk sauce or like chicken. I may have ended up with a piece that didn’t actually have any chicken on it.

But, I have to assume that I did eat meat today.

While I have no moral quandaries with eating meat—I tend to eat meat at least once a day during the other 6 days of the week—I feel quite annoyed with myself for this failure, because it wasn’t the result of a conscious choice to “cheat,” but rather the result of being careless.

Have you ever failed to meet a goal or discipline that you had set for yourself, as a result of simple carelessness? Leave me comment and let me know.

At least, that’s what the greeting card and confectionery industries tell us. (And the wine and restaurant industries.)

Yes, Valentine’s Day is coming, and it’s what everyone is going to be talking about for at least half of this month. And I’m OK with that. Love, even as described by Wall-E [...]]]> February is a month for lovers.

At least, that’s what the greeting card and confectionery industries tell us. (And the wine and restaurant industries.)

Yes, Valentine’s Day is coming, and it’s what everyone is going to be talking about for at least half of this month. And I’m OK with that. Love, even as described by Wall-E Valentine’s Cards, is a good thing.

Even Daily Disciplines is getting in on the act.

I’m working a big post about sex. Oh, it will have a spin to it that fits the theme of this blog, don’t you worry, but it’s still a post about sex.

Since I’m already getting in on the Valentine’s Day posting game, I figured that I would ask the readers what you’d like to see from Daily Disciplines with regard to love and sex.

If you have any ideas that you’d like to share, or that you’d like to see me expand upon, on the subjects of love, sex, or anything else Valentine’s Day-related, please leave me a comment.

I’ll pick a few of my favourites and see what I can come up with.

The things I’m grateful for today are, in a way, really a reflection of the weekend that I had. Thinking back to how I spent the weekend this morning really made me realize how [...]]]> It seems that posting about daily gratitude is becoming my new normal on Mondays, so let’s keep it going this week.

The things I’m grateful for today are, in a way, really a reflection of the weekend that I had. Thinking back to how I spent the weekend this morning really made me realize how much I have to be grateful for. I may not be cash-rich, but I’m a rich man in so many other ways (ways that, to me, actually matter far more than money, as long as you earn enough to put food on the table and have a decent place to live).

Reflecting upon the weekend, I am grateful for:

• Good friends,
• Good beer, and
• A good woman.

There is so much more that I could be grateful for (and I am), but those three simple things really stuck out to me over the weekend.

I have wonderful friends, and I got to spend Friday night with a few of them, having our own little beer tasting event. We shared some good beer, some good conversation, and some good food.

The rest of the weekend was mostly spent with Sara. We weren’t hugely productive. In fact, we “wasted” most of Saturday. But, really, it was well worth it. Sometimes, there are benefits to being lazy. Our culture often undervalues the quiet, restful moments.

Being able to just sit and watch TV—fairly horrible TV, to be honest—for most of a day with the person that you love is something worth treasuring.

While most of the time I’d rather spend time doing something more meaningful than watching a Jersey Shore marathon, the fact that I am able to find enjoyment in something so ridiculous and meaningless, so long as the woman I love is sitting beside me, is a very wonderful thing.

And so I’m grateful for the little things that mean so much: friends, beer, and the woman I love.

It’s hard to meditate when you can’t stop coughing. It’s tough to read the Bible when you’re eyes are itchy and watery. [...]]]> Staying focused on one’s disciplines when dealing with a bout of the flu or a bad cold is tough. That’s the situation that I’ve found myself in for the past week or so.

It’s hard to meditate when you can’t stop coughing. It’s tough to read the Bible when you’re eyes are itchy and watery. It’s even hard to be grateful for things when you’re health is suffering.

But, somehow, I’ve managed.

Sure, there have been some set backs. I didn’t complete my readings some days, so I had to catch up the next day. And I actually had to leave the sanctuary at my church during the meditation on Sunday, as I was struck by a coughing fit and didn’t want to disturb the rest of the congregation.

With obstacles like this in the way, how does one stay on track when he or she is sick?

Find Alternatives

Sometimes, there are alternative ways to meet the obligations you’ve made to yourself.

If you’re sick, finding a way to make things a little bit easier can be the best way to maintain your disciplines.

While I’ve been sick, I’ve been making a point of downloading and listening to the audio version of the Bible chapters that I should have been reading. It’s not quite the same, but it’s easier and it still makes sure that I get the message from the passage.

Treat Your Symptoms

When you’re sick, the symptoms of your illness might make it more difficult to perform certain disciplines. As I mentioned earlier, I had to leave a meditation session because I was coughing so badly.

If you treat your symptoms—take some cough and cold medicine, for example—you’ll be less likely to suffer performance problems as a result of them.

This isn’t a foolproof method, of course.

Often, treatments only lessen the symptoms or don’t treat all of them. When I had my coughing fit, it was in spite of the fact that I had taken cough and cold medicine not long before (but long enough that it should have kicked in).

When this method fails, you may have to accept it and move on to the next suggestion.

Let It Slide

Sometimes, when you’re sick, the best thing to do is to let things slide.

Letting your daily disciplines slide for a few days is OK if it means that you can rest and get well sooner. The point of daily disciplines is to improve your life, not to torture yourself.

Acknowledge that you’re less capable of doing certain things when you’re ill and let it slide.

If you feel that you have “failed” because you are incapable of doing certain things when you’re sick, forgive yourself. Getting ill doesn’t make you a failure, so forgive yourself and let go of this feeling.

Making yourself miserable and extending your illness in order to keep up with your disciplines isn’t worth it. As long as you make a point of getting back on track once you’ve recovered, taking a few days off in order to get better is often the best course of action.

Forget the fact that, maybe, you didn’t want your weekend to end. Forget the fact that, maybe, your inbox exploded over the weekend.

Instead, focus on what you are grateful for [...]]]> It’s so easy to start the work week on a negative note. Instead, I choose to try and see what is positive about Mondays.

Forget the fact that, maybe, you didn’t want your weekend to end. Forget the fact that, maybe, your inbox exploded over the weekend.

Instead, focus on what you are grateful for today.

Here’s what I’m grateful for today:

• Mild Weather: January in Edmonton is generally a cold and dark affair, so it’s a blessing to have temperatures above 0C at this time of year; it’s especially nice considering the giant dump of snow and deep-freeze temperatures that we’ve had to endure for the past few weeks.
• Good Coffee: While many personal development writers advise that you give up coffee and eschew caffeine, I am simply too fond of the black brew to do so. Take it in moderation, to be sure, but don’t give it up unless you want to (or have to, for health reasons). I am very grateful to have a good cup of coffee on my desk this morning. It’s a very pleasant way to start the week.
• Renewed Energy Toward My Job: Recently, I have experienced a renewed energy toward my job. I am excited about the work that I do and I feel that I am more skilled at doing it than ever before. This is an especially good feeling to experience on a Monday morning—much better than the dreaded “I don’t wanna go to work!” feeling.

What are you grateful for today? Please leave me a comment letting me know, or write a blog post of your own and link back to this one so that I can read and respond to it.

I love books.

I read a lot. But, perhaps more importantly, I love books. I don’t mean the words or ideas contained inside them. I love the physical object that is a book.

I have a lot of books, as a result.

But, buying new books (or [...]]]>

I love books.

I read a lot. But, perhaps more importantly, I love books. I don’t mean the words or ideas contained inside them. I love the physical object that is a book.

I have a lot of books, as a result.

But, buying new books (or even holding onto the ones that I already own) is not something that fits well into my efforts to live more simply. A minimalist lifestyle does not allow for much shelf space.

What is a bibliophile engaging in simplicity to do?

There are, I suppose, two answers.

Electronic Books

The first option would be to buy an e-book reader. This is not a bad option. I’m constantly tempted by e-book readers. I would love to replace my bookshelves with just a single e-reader full of my favourites.

However, this is expensive. E-readers themselves aren’t particularly cheap (though, prices have dropped significantly from when the first generation Kindle was launched), and e-books are usually the same price as paper books.

Plus, if I was truly serious about eliminating my bookshelves, I’d have to re-purchase all of my books in electronic form—not exactly an inexpensive proposition.

Then, there is the fact that many books are not available in electronic format (pirated PDF versions not withstanding).

Not every book that I own—or would like to own—is available in an e-format. That means that I cannot simply replace my personal library with an electronic one contained on a Kindle or Kobo, even if I had the money to do so.

(Nearly) Free Books

The other option is to use the library.

While this means that I won’t actually own the books (actually, as a taxpayer, I do own them, I just have to share them with approximately 700,000 co-owners) it has several benefits over buying new books in either paper or electronic format.

The most obvious benefit is that it’s free, almost.

A library membership in Edmonton costs $12 per year. This fee will be waived if you can’t afford it.

Now, I do pay taxes to support and maintain the Edmonton Public Library (technically, my landlord pays the taxes, but that money comes out of the rent I pay to him), but for practical purposes, my use of the library costs $12 per year. If I had a low income, it would cost nothing.

Either way, it’s less than the cost of a new hardcover novel.

For me, my library card is $12 well spent. My city library is awesome. I’ve yet to come across a situation where they didn’t have a book that I was looking for.

Everything is available: from the classics, to DIY books, to graphic novels (I’ve read The Walking Dead Compendium Volume 1, and most of the rest of the series, by borrowing it from the library).

They’ve also got a wide range of movies—from made-for-TV documentaries to Hollywood blockbusters—television shows, and music.

Through the convenience of their website, I can even create my own virtual bookshelf of books that I’ve borrowed. In this way, I can go back and review the books I’ve read. If I want to reread any of them, I just place a hold and pick the books up when they’re ready.

It’s not quite as quick as grabbing them off of my bookshelf at home, but that lost time is a small sacrifice to make for the benefit of having a seemingly endless supply of books without having to find room for them in my one-bedroom apartment.

Other Options

Now, if you live in a rural area or even a smallish city with a poorly funded public library, this may not be an option for you.

If you don’t have access to a decent library, you may have no choice but to purchase books. In that case, I’d recommend finding a good used bookstore, if you can, and passing the books along when you’re done with them (either sell them back to the store or give them to a friend).

This way, you still manage to save some money, and you don’t clutter your house with books that you’ve already read.

Of course, if you’re like me, you’ll want to keep some of your favourites. That’s fine. The goal is not to eliminate your personal library, but to keep it small and to prevent it from overtaking your entire home.

If you’re a book lover, what solutions do you use to keep your personal library from growing out of control? Leave me a comment and let me know.

For at least the rest of this year, I want to try and have meatless Mondays.

Now, I’ve already failed in that this week. I ate [...]]]> I’ve decided to add a new discipline to my life in 2011. It’s a weekly discipline, rather than a daily one, but I’m going to write about it anyway.

For at least the rest of this year, I want to try and have meatless Mondays.

Now, I’ve already failed in that this week. I ate plenty of meat yesterday, so I’m going to do it today, instead. After this week, I’ll make a habit of not eating any meat on Mondays.

I’m doing this for a few reasons. The first is health-related.

By eating less meat I will reduce my intake of saturated fats and cholesterol. I’ll also be reducing my risk of a number of serious cancers such as lung and colon cancer.

The second reason I’m doing this is environmental.

Relative to most vegetarian options, meat has a huge carbon footprint. Livestock must be fed large amounts of grain (or, ideally, grass). They take up large tracts of land. They emit a lot of greenhouse gases when they burp (cow’s burps, not farts, are the problem).

On top of all of that, meat is heavy. Shipping it requires more fuel than shipping lighter foods of the same volume.

Overall, meat production accounts for 18% of all greenhouse gas emissions, according to the UN Food and Agriculture Organization.[1] Going meatless once a week doesn’t take much effort, and if everyone followed suit, it would certainly help to reduce that figure.

While I am not ready to give up meat entirely—and likely never will be—deliberately going meatless for a full day each week will help me to be healthier and to lessen my impact on the environment.

—

[1] Shun meat, says UN climate chief, Richard Black, BBC News (September 07, 2008)

After all, Monday is the day that you’re still recovering from the weekend. You’ve got to get back into work mode. You’ve got to actually go to work. And, often, by [...]]]> It can sometimes be hard, for those of us who aren’t used to looking, to find something to be grateful for on a Monday.

After all, Monday is the day that you’re still recovering from the weekend. You’ve got to get back into work mode. You’ve got to actually go to work. And, often, by the time you get home at the end of the day the last thing that you want to do is make dinner.

But, there are always things to be grateful for in life, even on a Monday.

For one thing, that job that you have to drag yourself to? Be grateful that you have it. The economy is tough right now, in most of the world, so be grateful that you have a way of providing for yourself and for your family.

That meal that you’re too tired to make when you get home? Be grateful that you can afford the ingredients. (Be grateful, too, for having the option of ordering in—both that you can afford to do so and that someone is willing to bring a warm meal right to your door, even if they’re only doing it to get paid.)

I have some particular things of my own to be grateful for on this rather cold and snowy Monday. I am grateful that:

• I have leftovers in the fridge at home, so all I have to do is reheat them (this is especially nice since I’ll be getting home later than usual tonight);
• I take transit to and from work, and don’t have to worry about driving in poor road conditions;
• I got a new thermos on the weekend. My old one no longer kept things hot, so out with the old and in with the new (which I got for 50% off the regular price); and
• House begins again after the holiday break—it’s one of the few TV shows that I watch regularly, and it always makes Monday night just a little more enjoyable for me.

What are you grateful for on a Monday? Leave me a comment and let me know.